I can’t make coffee worth a shit… & other quarantine reflections

Today I was supposed to be doing a great white shark cage dive in New Zealand on my vacation. Instead, I painted my outdoor gate. Let me tell you, it was just as thrilling an experience as the great white dive would have been! I’m sure it’s just as exciting a time for everyone who is reading this. I’m constantly looking for things to do to pass the time as we (the world it seems) can’t really go anywhere except the grocery store or other essential places. I will say, I have gotten a lot of things done that I had been putting off for forever so maybe there is a bright spot in that? Though my roommate is pretty much always rolling her eyes or laughing at me for the ever-changing ideas I have for the house. Sorry, Amanda.

 I’ve been off the road (except a show here and there) for over 5 months. Things were supposed to get going right about now. In fact, I was supposed to be in Australia for a couple shows before my vacation to New Zealand. The band was even in rehearsals when we found out how much touring was going to be affected. Most of our upcoming shows have been postponed until the fall and some have been canceled with no make-up date. I can say I didn’t think I’d ever experience anything like what we all are now. So many friends are essentially unemployed, I can’t see anyone except my roommate for the most part, and there’s a very real uneasiness about what’s going to happen in the future – could I get sick? My family? What if we never get to work this year? Am I going to go broke? So many questions and very little answers. It’s a strange and stressful time. But, I know this will end at some point and feel hope for the world after this is all over. Maybe we won’t take as many things for granted after this? I know for sure that I won’t. I miss being on the road a lot right now. I won’t lie, I put my bass down and didn’t touch it for about 2 months at the end of last year, which isn’t totally unusual for me at the end of a year touring. I normally need some time away from it to re-focus, but I even began to wonder if I really still loved playing anymore. Now, I miss touring and playing so much. Not being able to tour has made it abundantly clear that my love for it is still there. Nothing like being told you can’t do something to make you want to do it again, right? Not going to take that for granted ever again.

 I was talking on the phone with a friend from LA last week right after California went on a total lockdown. He described how his neighborhood in west Hollywood was quiet like it had never been before. No cars, hardly any people; nothing. He had been on the start of a massive tour before it got postponed for several months, but he had a good outlook on things. He said that he hoped that we would never take for granted the lives we have and the small things that bring us joy – grabbing a cup of coffee at your favorite local coffee spot, sitting down at a restaurant to eat lunch with a friend, getting to travel without fear and getting to be near the ones we love. It really got me thinking about the little things I miss in my daily life. One of my favorite things I do most days of the week is head to a coffee shop, grab a coffee and sit for an hour or so journaling and reading. It brings me peace and gives me perspective on things in my life. It’s helped me cope with the depression and anxiety that I’ve suffered from for so long. It’s become a routine for my mental health, and it’s made me a much happier, more positive person. That alone has been what has changed me so much from last year to now. Also, I just can’t make coffee worth a shit compared to those places!

 Speaking of depression and anxiety - I want to tell my story of dealing with my mental health as a musician. I’d say until just about a year ago, I was pretty damn unhappy in my life. I was never happy with my current situation workwise and always looking for the next thing. I judged myself harshly, wondered if anyone thought I was any good, and felt like a failure in a lot of aspects. I mean, I hit 30 and felt like I was still where I was when I was 24. I was angry and jealous of others’ success and couldn’t understand why them over me. Of course, everyone who had moved up to better gigs than me were all deserving, talented and kind guys. I just constantly wondered when it was my turn. To me, the only validation would be with a better gig. Then came the Billy gig (I touched on this in my last blog). It did help me feel validated and like I had finally moved up to another level. And I was/am happy with where I’m at. I don’t seek much validation from others in that department anymore, though I do still question my talent and ability and feel that I don’t deserve what I’ve got occasionally. But overall, a lot of that just doesn’t bother me most of the time anymore. 

 To most people I think the change in me is maybe seen as a product of the gig I happened to get. While that does play a tiny role in it, I know that my happiness now is due to all the work I’ve done on myself and changing my outlook on life. I’ll admit it here – I go to therapy and have for several years. I think EVERYONE should go. Even if you don’t suffer from depression or anxiety and feel incredibly happy. You can learn so much about yourself, how you interpret and see the world, and understand why you react to or do things in a certain way. It will challenge you to become a better person and to seek some understanding about yourself. I can honestly say it 100% changed my life. I’ve faced my fears, insecurities, anger and past pain head on and finally started to let go of it all one small bit at a time. I know some people reading this will think this is bullshit – hell, I’ve even got a close family member who doesn’t really believe in therapy. But that won’t stop me from advocating for and being vocal about it. 

 I had the idea to write this about a month ago as my first post of 2020. I was kind of hesitant to write it as I wondered how people might receive me touching on a really hard and somewhat uncomfortable subject for so many.. I wanted to write about mental health in the music community and how I feel it is so important to take the time to make yourself healthy mentally as a musician simply because this lifestyle can bring you down and tear you up like not much others can. It can also be one of the most fulfilling jobs when we get to live our dream. With everything going on right now, I think talking about this subject is more important than ever. And now it doesn’t even have to just apply to musicians – everyone is going to be fighting mental health the longer we have to be socially distant from our friends and family. 

 I don’t know how much longer this whole thing will last, but I encourage everyone reading this to take some time and just be with yourself. Turn off Netflix, stop looking at the news (that will just depress you anyway), put the phone down, leave the distractions in another room. Check in and see how you are really dealing with all of this and the uneasiness we all feel. The best thing I’ve learned from therapy is to just sit with whatever you’re feeling – don’t give it any power, but just acknowledge that it’s there and don’t hide from it or push it down. I simply let it be and then go about my day as usual. My new usual doesn’t feel right, but I’ve got a good routine going each day that is helping me cope with all of this a bit better. Otherwise the depression, anxiety, fear…it will stay around much longer than it should. Don’t let it stay too long. I’d also encourage you to read during this time – a few books I’ve really enjoyed lately are Self-Compassion, Atomic Habits, and Radical Acceptance. They’ve really helped me, maybe they can help you too. 

 I hope for health, happiness, and some peace for each of us as we go through this uncertain time. I really do think we’ll come out better on the other side of this, but it’s going to suck a whole lot in the meantime. Just remember to take some time for you during it all. 

 I’ll see you down the road…hopefully sooner than later.